Myopia

I've been in Swine Town for a few days and made a glib comment on another forum about how the natives here are so carrot-crunchingly yokelish that they still point at aeroplanes.

On reflection, however, I remembered that Wootton Bassett is nearby and it may be that they are simply wondering what the cargo is in any of the countless military aircraft that pass overhead.


Still, that nice Mr Obama has pledged a further 30,000 American troops with a "clear military strategy" in a bid to bring down the Taliban quickly and once-and-for-all.

History teaches us many things - why is it that the decision makers always choose to ignore them?

Another one bites the rug - sorry, dust.

Soooo...

Matt's ex-"husband" has hanged himself. Tragic, I suppose, but not all together unsurprising. And definitely not a loss.

I can't help seeing a certain resemblance to another pile of foetid self-loving, desperately-seeking-continued stardom; the asset to humanity they call Russell Brand.

Now, what poofs what to do in their own quarters is entirely up to them - each to their own - but what this case seems to highlight is the "spotlight" is what they crave the most. This trait is by no means limited to pink-oboe players, you only have to look at a red-top to see the sordid unravelling of grubby details some are prepared to disclose in order to keep column inches.

And why is this? The simple answer is that "celebrity" is what far too big a portion of this fucked-up country aspire to. And why do they aspire to this? Simple - it's all they have. They are poorly educated, unemployable sofa-surfers that think everything that is piped down the TV cable or beamed to the satellite dish is gospel. Their education and life-experiences to date are so shambolic that even they - the mongest of the mongs - realise that their only escape is to become one of the fucktards they ogle at whilst munching their KFCs and supping on wife-beater or White Lightning.

ALL newspapers now have a duty to off-load the celebrity adoration and start printing stories that may, in the fullness of time, lead to the youth of today seeking a more worthwhile route than being the subject of an 0870 phone-in poll.

ALL TV stations now must put on more David Attenborough and less Jeremy Kyle.

And ALL those who think celebrity is the ultimate goal should go for it. And then hang themselves when it all goes wrong. You won't be missed.

Hear, hear!

I think this sums it up just perfectly.

Old Holborn nails it

Enough now

From the on-line comic, LabourLost, a propsal that we should carry cards in order to purchase tobacco and booze.

http://www.labourlist.org/drinkers-licences-a-radical-new-way-to-curb-excess-cowan

FUCK OFF. JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU IMBECILIC FUCK-WITTED SCABBY CUNT PUSTULES.

H/T to OH

When Marketeers fuck up...

Oh dear, Young's. You really, really, should pay more attention to the small print in your offers.

So far I personally must have had over £50 worth of free booze and I have given countless vouchers to the pensioners who don't have computers or printers. The £11 or so they save each day now means that most of them can afford proper food, as opposed to living off out-of-date smoked haddock and cat food.

Hell, some of them may even be able to take their cardigans to the launderette now and although I may miss the musty smell and the unique stain patterns, the look on their wrinkly faces when they come in all spruced up will be worth it.

For this public service, Young's, we salute you.

"Underlying Health Problems"

The vast majority of those that have died from swine flu have all, allegedly, had "underlying health problems".

That's probably true.

But why on earth haven't they told us what these problems were? How are we meant to try and judge how dangerous this virus is, unless we know how ill you have to be in the first place for it to be a real worry. If they had rabies, lung cancer, double pneumonia, malaria, ebola or something like that then I would think "fine, they were probably going pop their cork anyway".

But what if they only had a bit of mild asthma? Or athletes foot? Or hay-fever? I would certainly start being a bit more concerned if that were the case.

So why the secrecy? Or is it a conscious decision to keep the full facts at bay as long as possible to avoid potential panic?

They are very quick to ram fuck-witted advice like "Catch it, bin it, kill" down our throats and send Janet and John leaflets to all and sundry, but this is typical of this administration - being seen to be doing something whilst all the time they simply don't have a clue about the real issues. Just look at the economy, for example.

I have no doubt that someone in my immediate family will contract the virus - it would just be nice to know whether I am more likely to buy them a box of tissues and some Lockets, or a wooden casket.

'Snot too much to ask, is it?


Oh - I forgot, it's this government I'm talking about; truth, honesty and decency are alien concepts to the stinking pile of squalid, rancid cuntwafts.

Scotland

Five days up near the Firth of Forth or Fifth of Forth or whatever it's called.

Natives most pleasant even if there is a high incidence of some form of physical and/or mental palsy. Is there a chemical works near here? Has there been some sort of ongoing leakage?

Splendid breakfasts and food generally, booze a lot cheaper than Surrey and the the vast majority the mongnatives have great senses of humour and sharp minds.

How, then, can this be the country responsible for unleashing the likes of Bruin and Darling - to name but two - into Westminster to utterly fist-fuck the entire economy?

I shall ponder that whilst I tuck into some Haggis Patties rolled in Pinhead Oatmeal.

Final resting place

The sad demise of a great talent.

R.I.P.

She was into majors, not minors

Your Country Needs You

Some dodgy research suggests that treating smoking related illnesses could cost up £5 billion p.a.

A previous BBC article has a different take on it :-

"It said ordinary people were better equipped to consider the arguments than the government, "perhaps because the UK public does not have to consider directly the £9.3bn per year raised in tax revenue on tobacco".

In comparison, the £1.5bn cost to the NHS of smoking-related diseases was "paltry", the Lancet argued"

Leaving aside the very questionable statistics, one thing is entirely clear; smoking generates shed loads of money for the exchequer and at the moment they need every penny they can get. The reports also state that about 20% of adults smoke, so here's an idea;

Get that percentage up to 50% for the next five years, the revenue gained can be used to shore up the black hole the NHS currently faces and then, after the five years, those that choose to can give up.

Smoking is currently the most socially responsible thing you can do.

So roll up your sleeves, roll-up your Golden Virginia and Old Holborn, puff on your Pall Mall and smoke the economy better.

Simples

The Long Good Friday.

Where to begin?

Well, for starters, the missus started a new job today so I arose very early to get her a cup of coffee and run her bath - this allowed the required two hours to choose the outfit for the day. At 8.15, she sauntered out of the door with a cheery wave and instructions regarding ironing and hoovering. I was pleased as punch.

Prior to getting up this morning, I had seen the news about Purnell sticking the boot into the snotgobbler at his exit, thus I knew the news channels would be buzzing.

After a full hoovering of the entire house and a token attempt at ironing (surely the most boring thing ever) I slumped down to trawl through the interweb, whilst BBC News 24 played in the background.

OH making no.10 (how ironic!) in the politics blog listings cheered me up - good work fella - and the sychophantic mewlings of Toenails Robinson only served to prove what I have been saying to the missus for the last six months; this blogging stuff really has impact.

The public appetite for politics has risen by about 1000% recently, for that we have the likes of Guido, as well as OH, Obo, Leg Iron, Mrs Dale and allsorts to thank as newspapers read blogs and they know they need to gauge opinion.

Lunch came and went and still no news from the missus - a mild panic began to set in, luckily it was quashed within three minutes when the landline rang; she couldn't get reception on her mobile hence the utter silence. So, now the missus can't easily get hold of me when she's at work...hmm...

After the solid lunch, I decided a few pints - whilst watching the Epsom races - would be in order; after all, the missus wasn't going to be back much before 6pm.

Five pints of Young's and "Ask" comes in at 5-1, pocketing me forty quid overall and I toddle off home to put the dinner on. On the way, my faith in human nature is restored to an extent. To elucidate, there is an old fella who whizzes about on one of those electric buggy thingies and obviously he needs dropped kerbs to get across some roads. As I was walking home, he was coming the other way and suddenly, from my right, White Van Man slammed to a halt blocking the dropped kerb my side. I could see the old whizzer stop the othe side, looking forlornly at White Van Man.

Now the odd bit. WVM had stopped to actually take a mobile phone call - no continue driving with a Ginsters in your gob for this fella - he actually stopped. A rarity. I was walking up at this point, with my jaw agape and then my mind returned to the old whizzer, so I shouted at WVM "Oi - he needs a dropped kerb to get his buggy back up on the pavement!"

A couple of seconds of confusion clouded his ruddied cheeks and then - instead of the expected "fuck off you cunt!" he said "Oh sorry, I'll back up". And he did. With no malice and a broad grin. The old whizzer scooted past me and said "Thanks and cheerio".

Arrived home, dinner sorted, missus returned and ate heartily, telling me about her first day in the new job. So far, so good.

Then I turn the TV on and oh my word. The day just gets better and better. That cunt Flint has gone. Hutton's quit. Hoon has quit. Beckett has quit. Gibson has resigned forcing a bye-election.
And, as an act of pure comedy, Amstrad has been appointed in some fuckwitteried role. GORDON - understand this, phoning Britain's Got Talent or appointing a beardy weirdie from the Apprentice WILL NOT make people vote for you. Is it true that Susan Boyle phoned no.10 to enquire about your well-being? You're a prick. Now, do us all a favour and get an Air France flight somewhere.

Back to The Long Good Friday - Helen Mirren had great tits.

A day in the Sun

We had a fun time and a few beers.

Badgerbeer and tourist entertainment.

This could be a long, hot summer. I can't wait.

Another tale from the pub

I am starting to take a liking to some of the "young'uns" in the boozer.

Today we had Stuart, the manic Heating Technician (read glorified plumber) whose demeanour has always led me to believe that he is either on speed, or just generally hyper.

He didn't go to a great school in the area, but his father taught him that he needed to up his game if he wanted a better life. So after leaving this school with a smattering of poor GCSEs (whatever they are) he did a five year course on becoming a heating engineer. He passed and now works for a a fairly well known company - at he age of 28ish, he is earning about £40k. Pretty good money and he has earned the right for it. Good lad.

He has guaranteed work until 2012 - and that is because his company has secured a deal to refurbish heating systems for London Councils. Safe money, but flat rate and no perks.

The tales he has told me today of the scum he has to deal with makes me shudder - and explains his nervous disposition.

All council houses. All expecting a full new system that would cost you or I about £5,500. And they expect it. And then they want him to paint the boxing-in to match their bathrooms. And call him a cunt when he won't. He attends properties that are inhabited by drug dealers, part-time prostitutes, people who shout at him for turning up at 9am (the agreed time) saying they were still in bed, places with doors kicked-in because the "ex" came round last night as is probably going to come back today and finish her off, coke-snorters with kids running around, crack-pipes hidden behind radiators, knives sellotaped to the back of front door.

And they all expect this work.

He now makes the point - "What the fuck is my tax being spent on? - these people are utter scum who don't deserve these freebies. "

For once, I find myself agreeing with a 28 year-old.

Caption Contest

Industrious worker in Downing Street shocker

One down...

This little piggy went home

Well, it's a start.

Swine Flu

I'm getting a bit fed up with the radio announcements stating that the pig flu virus can survive for hours on the buttons in lifts.

Here's an idea - use the fucking stairs. Most people could do with the exercise in the first place, it's a win-win; less viral transmission and the lard-arses will lose weight to boot.

Amen.

Pterodactyls, Sat-Navs and Weever fish

Being unemployed, after hours of trawling the internet for jobs, I tend to partake of a few in a certain Young's pub. Normally, there are two people there other than me. One is retired and a keen horse-racing gambler, thus he watches C4 or ATR. We exchange pleasantries. The other is a friend of his, who takes a liquid lunch. It's all very civil and generally quiet.

Some days, though, the "boys" get in early - they may be plumbers, sparks, roofers - whatever. Today, Ian the plumber came in and he is good value. After the usual hellos, he started to talk about the Herons on the park nearby. I nodded quietly whilst trying to think of the tricky resolution to 7 down in my crossword when he uttered "They sound just like Pterodactyls". I left a decent pause and asked "Have you heard a Pterodactyl then?"

"Yes. On a David Attenborough program". I fell off the bar stool.

I know Dave's knocking on, but fer fucksake...when I picked myself up off the floor, he gurned at me and then launched into the giant Jellyfish, shown in some papers today. He relayed a story of when he was younger and living in Cornwall, he scooped up a jellyfish in his swimming mask, then released it then put the mask back on. Then couldn't see when his eyes suddenly turned into pools of acid. He now is somewhat more wary of the sea. I mentioned the Weever fish to him and he simply went white and left. I don't think his kids will be paddling in Eastbourne any time soon.

Then Neil the grumpy Surveyor came in. Always a good laugh and merely bronze-medal grumpy. In a strop because his trip to Hounslow took so long - he's not used to travelling that far into London. I enquired which route he took - at which point he brought out his 1982 A-Z and started flicking through lightly thumbed pages. I suggested he bought a Sat-Nav - he does, after all drive a Volvo. The tirade that ensued was epic. Suffice to say, he doesn't trust them or this "new technology" - which was quite odd as he was tapping away on his BlackBerry to find out his appointments for tomorrow. I told him he could use the maps function on his Blackberry, rather than buy a Sat-Nav.

"Fuck right off, cuntbubble" was his reply.

It is heartening that such people are still out there. And I wouldn't swap them for anything.

Report the cunt

For fuck's sake, I've been unemployed since August and I couldn't claim this, despite being a more productive part of society - even unemployed...

Jacqui idiot sponging cunt

There's more....(edited about 10.45, after a bottle of red)

Gordon Brown claimed back £6,000 after paying his brother for cleaning at his Westminster flat, it has been reported.

Jack Straw used his expenses to claim back the entire council tax on his second home despite already having a 50% discount on it.

Ms Blears claimed for expenditure on three different properties during the period including a hotel where she stayed after selling a Manchester home.

Anna Raccoon with yet another fabulous post.

http://www.annaraccoon.com/madeleine-mccann/paedophiles-and-pedants-1873.html

and a video worth watching, too

http://www.annaraccoon.com/madeleine-mccann/the-documentary-they-didnt-want-you-to-see-1855.html

Musical interlude

OTMAPP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2BNJKa_TU4

I am her Lux. She is my Ivy.

One Gun. One Bullet.

That is all I need at the moment.

Send Gordon your Shirt

Cracking idea from OH.

Shirt for a shit.

O-Bummer's speech.

Hmm...not sure if anybody just saw that on BBC News 24, but after the weak jokes and hat-tip towarrds the CIA (being more important now than they ever have been), he finished by saying how much more important they will become...

The transatlantic network of snooping further is coming to your doorstep soon...sleep tight...

Darling, darling...

I would not envy your position.

Your boss has presided over the biggest fiscal fuck-up for an awfully long time. You will be the scape-goat. Whatever pathetic measures you introduce will simply hurt those that so far have contributed to this problem. You are biting the hands that have fed you. It is obvious that the Tories will win the next election, but they really are getting served a pile of poo. They have not the wit to drag us out, the shit is too deep.

You will doubtless fall into a pit of in obscurity on a fat pension and a brush-over of events. I hope you choke on your eyebrows - some of us may be paying for your extended retirement.

Your speech at the Budget should begin with :-

"I am sorry to report to the House, that my time here has been pointless and that we have saddled tax payers with a decade of debt. It should be pointed out that my boss set the ball rolling years ago, but his position is seemingly now unassailable and thus the sword falls on me. Like McBride, I will now bow out after being "sacked " for Gorgon's catastrophic miscalculations for everything from the economy to public opinion. Gold was a great price at the time, eh?

So, we'll bung some on National Insurance, up VAT a bit and sit back and laugh as the new administration tries a spending cuts plan to make up the defecit. 'Cos that ain't gonna work either! I can laugh at them from my retirement home! I've been fucked here and I'm going to make sure my pockets are lined on my way out.

I'll raise a glass of dodgy porridge-wog whiskey to celebrate".

Lesson = don't trust Scotshmen.

Give Scotland back to the North Sea, where it belongs. Bunch of cunts, like Jacqui Smith.

Education

Now let's get this right from the start.

Grammar schools work. The 11+ works. Some people are born academic, some aren't. There you go, shit happens. I could never run 100 yards in under 12 seconds but I don't bitch about that fact. In return, I could do Maths, English, Geography, Physics (although I don't know why) Economics, German, French and Chemistry (again, don't know why).

Many of my school chums left at 16. With only a few "O" Levels (read "A"-Level these days). Oh the shame on them.

These were the ones who were "not good enough" to continue to A-Levels. Most of them now own their own houses and businesses in Surrey.

The academic side of this is not the point; these people learnt that discipline, an energy to learn
and to prove themselves overcame the rigours of such education. They learnt an important lesson, even if it wasn't in double maths on a Friday afternoon.

Corporal punishment was still "legal" in those days - I received twelve of the best for importing 600 bangers after a day trip to Calais (it should be noted that I didn't set any off in the school grounds, but I was grassed up and thus assumed guilty) and I still believe - to this day - that the abolition of corporal punishment, diluted forms of parental control and the ease at which schools can exclude pupils is a major factor in the downfall of modern society.

Look at the animal world - if a lion cub gets lairy, a big lion gives it a smack round the chops. It's worked for years, no doubt that cunt Jacqui Smith will want to ban that too, but like a lioness she will accept that the alpha male will eventually get bored with her and find new ground when all his pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

This has already happened in education. Those that know are now being battered into submission by those that think they know better. They don't. They have a degree in Fuckwittery and tree-hugging. Fuck right off. All of you.

Bring back the cane, lines, evil prefects (I was one) and the desire for children to achieve something, rather than the desire to live off something. But of course, this administration really wants to nurture such poll fodder. Cunts.

Alcohol

Is apparently a depressant. And full of calories.

Odd that, I've had about 10 pints of Young's ordinary and I feel neither fat nor depressed. Allegedly, 10 pints is about 1900 calories and that is nearly half my daily recommended calorie intake. Why therefore am I happy and thin(ish)?

Upon leaving the pub this evening, there were several people who had imbibed their choice of beers and none of those seemed depressed. Only one could be considered fat - and even then, at a push - he's a brick shithouse who may be carrying a few extra pounds.

I have no doubt that the majority of the regulars tonight will leave after a good session; they will be happier and probably not fatter than when they first entered.

And they are all old enough to go home without trying to fight anything - they are builders, mechanics, plasterers, plumbers, roofers, pavers, heating engineers, electricians - and they all work their bollox off to be able to pay £3.53 for a pint of Carling.

Hard work has not yet vanished from this country. They are good people, working hard and contributing in the private sector. It's just a shame that their hard work is not reflected in the public sector.

And each and every one of them is not a cunt, like Jacqui Smith.

Jacqui Smith

...is a cunt.

Never in the field of politics has such a burden been placed on someone so incapable of fulfilling the role. This country is going downt the shitter faster than the chicken vindaloo I had for lunch. The sad part is the vindaloo was wholesome, pure and welcomed.

The same cannot be said for Jacqui.

The nice part of me would like to think that she was thrust into this position purely because she is a woman and, at certain angles, not too unpleasing on the eye.

The nasty - and probably correct part of me - thinks that she is a vicious piece of work who will stamp on anybody, to get her way. She has not the intellect to do so, she should be ironing shirts, taking kids to the playground and possibly even giving the husband a nosh. It would certainly save some taxpayers money.

There comes a point in time when even the most deluded realise that the game is up. You've been found out. Accept it and bow out gently. No-one will mourn your passing.

If you had one ounce of decency within you, you would go and apologise on your way out. But I doubt you will. See also Damien McBride and Dolly.

Take a big step back and see the absolute fuck-up you are making of this country. I hope you all rot.

Frenzy

It's going quite well recently, not just because of http://www.order-order.com/ But it certainly helps.

No longer do I have to tell people of what can be achieved - the evidence is there in the papers recently. Otherwise sedentary people are starting to sit up and take note. This can only help. I want decency to descend back in the country I grew up. Is that too much to ask?

I want my children not to be saddled with debts caused by this failed government. Is that too much to ask? They were not involved in their colossal fuck-ups, why should they be made to pay? For the last few years, I have realised that the worst thing you can do is to be a PAYE slave, feeding this ever hungry machine that is slowly sapping the will to live from those that contribute.

There is much to be said for http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/2009/04/time-for-detox.html. Starving these fat piggies may well be the answer. I think the next 12 months will reveal far more.

Things must change - for the sake of you, this country and your children.

Good day

Bye, bye. More to come. H/T to OH

http://www.elmundo.es/elmundo/2009/04/11/internacional/1239471398.html

http://lta.reuters.com/article/topNews/idLTASIE53A0EK20090411http://www.antena3noticias.com/PortalA3N/noticia/internacional/Dimite-asesor-Brown-por-una-campana-difamaciones-contra-oposicion/5578744

http://aeiou.expresso.pt/reino-unido-conselheiro-de-gordon-brown-demite-se-apos-escandalo-sobre-e-mails=f508315

http://www.estadao.com.br/noticias/internacional,conselheiro-de-brown-renuncia-apos-escandalo-de-e-mails,353291,0.htm

http://www.agi.it/estero/notizie/200904111922-est-rt11121-gb_mail_diffamatorie_da_staff_gordon_brown_bufera_su_governo

http://unionesarda.ilsole24ore.com/Articoli/News/115798

http://www.ilsole24ore.com/art/SoleOnLine4/Mondo/2009/04/brown-McBride.shtml?uuid=9055de86-2686-11de-80d8-4c17f3fd37a9&DocRulesView=Libero