Wednesday 12 January 2011

Things I have noticed since being single...

...and sharing a flat with a mate.

1. Two rolls of toilet paper last two weeks. Previously, four would last less than one week. And I can't really blame the daughter as she is in boarding school from Monday to Friday.

2. The washing machine is not permanently on. See "1" as again the daughter cannot be held accountable. In fact, the washing is on twice per week - once when my flatmate does his and once when I do mine.

3. Nor is the tumble dryer. See 1 and 2, above.

4. The bath remains clean and not as slippery as sheet ice, due to the fact that no perfumed oils or other such shite are hermetically sealed to it as a result of men preferring quick showers and proper soap.

5. Razors remain mine.

6. I am no longer awoken at 7am by the drone of a hairdryer and accompanying muttering about "frizz".

7. All my tools remain where I left them.

8. The TV now shows documentaries and the news or some sport. Not soaps. Or reality TV shite generally emanating from America.

9. Being awoken by snoring has ceased...

10... As has the 2.30am request to get a glass of water...

Thursday 6 May 2010

Whatever happens

The farcical scenes of Polling Stations running out of ballot papers, stupid Northerners or Students not turning up in time or with the wrong paperwork, staying open later than the 10pm deadline et al. means there will be a good chance of all and sundry calling "foul".

A re-run is an absolute certainty.

Hopefully OH will get even more votes next time.

Thursday 4 March 2010

Don't be idle

North Lincolnshire plans to introduce £20 fines to people who leave their car engines running whilst parked, because of climutchange.

The power is being given to parking attendants who will use their "common sense" when deciding whether a fine should be imposed. Firstly, I don't think I have met a parking attendant who has "common sense" and secondly, I paid for the petrol so I will use it how I bloody well want!

How long before parking attendants will be checking the depth of tread on your tyres, or whether there are any cracks in your windscreen?

Utter, utter wank.

More here -

Tuesday 9 February 2010


I suppose it was inevitable - we poor smokers who now have to venture outside the pub for a ciggy are still killing everyone; only now with THIRD-HAND SMOKE.

I can't wait to read read Leg-Iron on this one.

UPDATE: Just read it -

Wednesday 2 December 2009


I've been in Swine Town for a few days and made a glib comment on another forum about how the natives here are so carrot-crunchingly yokelish that they still point at aeroplanes.

On reflection, however, I remembered that Wootton Bassett is nearby and it may be that they are simply wondering what the cargo is in any of the countless military aircraft that pass overhead.

Still, that nice Mr Obama has pledged a further 30,000 American troops with a "clear military strategy" in a bid to bring down the Taliban quickly and once-and-for-all.

History teaches us many things - why is it that the decision makers always choose to ignore them?

Wednesday 7 October 2009

Another one bites the rug - sorry, dust.


Matt's ex-"husband" has hanged himself. Tragic, I suppose, but not all together unsurprising. And definitely not a loss.

I can't help seeing a certain resemblance to another pile of foetid self-loving, desperately-seeking-continued stardom; the asset to humanity they call Russell Brand.

Now, what poofs what to do in their own quarters is entirely up to them - each to their own - but what this case seems to highlight is the "spotlight" is what they crave the most. This trait is by no means limited to pink-oboe players, you only have to look at a red-top to see the sordid unravelling of grubby details some are prepared to disclose in order to keep column inches.

And why is this? The simple answer is that "celebrity" is what far too big a portion of this fucked-up country aspire to. And why do they aspire to this? Simple - it's all they have. They are poorly educated, unemployable sofa-surfers that think everything that is piped down the TV cable or beamed to the satellite dish is gospel. Their education and life-experiences to date are so shambolic that even they - the mongest of the mongs - realise that their only escape is to become one of the fucktards they ogle at whilst munching their KFCs and supping on wife-beater or White Lightning.

ALL newspapers now have a duty to off-load the celebrity adoration and start printing stories that may, in the fullness of time, lead to the youth of today seeking a more worthwhile route than being the subject of an 0870 phone-in poll.

ALL TV stations now must put on more David Attenborough and less Jeremy Kyle.

And ALL those who think celebrity is the ultimate goal should go for it. And then hang themselves when it all goes wrong. You won't be missed.

Saturday 3 October 2009

Hear, hear!

I think this sums it up just perfectly.

Old Holborn nails it