PSB Custard

Things I have noticed since being single...

2011-01-12T16:56:00.003Z

...and sharing a flat with a mate.

1. Two rolls of toilet paper last two weeks. Previously, four would last less than one week. And I can't really blame the daughter as she is in boarding school from Monday to Friday.

2. The washing machine is not permanently on. See "1" as again the daughter cannot be held accountable. In fact, the washing is on twice per week - once when my flatmate does his and once when I do mine.

3. Nor is the tumble dryer. See 1 and 2, above.

4. The bath remains clean and not as slippery as sheet ice, due to the fact that no perfumed oils or other such shite are hermetically sealed to it as a result of men preferring quick showers and proper soap.

5. Razors remain mine.

6. I am no longer awoken at 7am by the drone of a hairdryer and accompanying muttering about "frizz".

7. All my tools remain where I left them.

8. The TV now shows documentaries and the news or some sport. Not soaps. Or reality TV shite generally emanating from America.

9. Being awoken by snoring has ceased...

10... As has the 2.30am request to get a glass of water...

Whatever happens

2010-05-06T23:49:00.002+01:00

The farcical scenes of Polling Stations running out of ballot papers, stupid Northerners or Students not turning up in time or with the wrong paperwork, staying open later than the 10pm deadline et al. means there will be a good chance of all and sundry calling "foul".

A re-run is an absolute certainty.

Hopefully OH will get even more votes next time.

Don't be idle

2010-03-04T10:25:00.002Z

North Lincolnshire plans to introduce £20 fines to people who leave their car engines running whilst parked, because of climutchange.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/humber/8542728.stm

The power is being given to parking attendants who will use their "common sense" when deciding whether a fine should be imposed. Firstly, I don't think I have met a parking attendant who has "common sense" and secondly, I paid for the petrol so I will use it how I bloody well want!

How long before parking attendants will be checking the depth of tread on your tyres, or whether there are any cracks in your windscreen?

Utter, utter wank.

More here - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1254859/Anger-drivers-face-fine-leaving-engine-running-parked.html

Laughable

2010-02-09T14:01:00.003Z

I suppose it was inevitable - we poor smokers who now have to venture outside the pub for a ciggy are still killing everyone; only now with THIRD-HAND SMOKE.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8503870.stm

I can't wait to read read Leg-Iron on this one.

UPDATE: Just read it - http://underdogsbiteupwards.blogspot.com/2010/02/nine-hundredth-hand-smoke.html.

Myopia

2009-12-02T10:38:00.003Z

I've been in Swine Town for a few days and made a glib comment on another forum about how the natives here are so carrot-crunchingly yokelish that they still point at aeroplanes.

On reflection, however, I remembered that Wootton Bassett is nearby and it may be that they are simply wondering what the cargo is in any of the countless military aircraft that pass overhead.

Still, that nice Mr Obama has pledged a further 30,000 American troops with a "clear military strategy" in a bid to bring down the Taliban quickly and once-and-for-all.

History teaches us many things - why is it that the decision makers always choose to ignore them?

Another one bites the rug - sorry, dust.

2009-10-07T21:14:00.002+01:00

Soooo...

Matt's ex-"husband" has hanged himself. Tragic, I suppose, but not all together unsurprising. And definitely not a loss.

I can't help seeing a certain resemblance to another pile of foetid self-loving, desperately-seeking-continued stardom; the asset to humanity they call Russell Brand.

Now, what poofs what to do in their own quarters is entirely up to them - each to their own - but what this case seems to highlight is the "spotlight" is what they crave the most. This trait is by no means limited to pink-oboe players, you only have to look at a red-top to see the sordid unravelling of grubby details some are prepared to disclose in order to keep column inches.

And why is this? The simple answer is that "celebrity" is what far too big a portion of this fucked-up country aspire to. And why do they aspire to this? Simple - it's all they have. They are poorly educated, unemployable sofa-surfers that think everything that is piped down the TV cable or beamed to the satellite dish is gospel. Their education and life-experiences to date are so shambolic that even they - the mongest of the mongs - realise that their only escape is to become one of the fucktards they ogle at whilst munching their KFCs and supping on wife-beater or White Lightning.

ALL newspapers now have a duty to off-load the celebrity adoration and start printing stories that may, in the fullness of time, lead to the youth of today seeking a more worthwhile route than being the subject of an 0870 phone-in poll.

ALL TV stations now must put on more David Attenborough and less Jeremy Kyle.

And ALL those who think celebrity is the ultimate goal should go for it. And then hang themselves when it all goes wrong. You won't be missed.

Hear, hear!

2009-10-03T12:21:00.000+01:00

I think this sums it up just perfectly.

Old Holborn nails it

Enough now

2009-10-02T12:03:00.004+01:00

From the on-line comic, LabourLost, a propsal that we should carry cards in order to purchase tobacco and booze.

http://www.labourlist.org/drinkers-licences-a-radical-new-way-to-curb-excess-cowan

FUCK OFF. JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU IMBECILIC FUCK-WITTED SCABBY CUNT PUSTULES.

H/T to OH

When Marketeers fuck up...

2009-09-18T12:43:00.004+01:00

Oh dear, Young's. You really, really, should pay more attention to the small print in your offers.

So far I personally must have had over £50 worth of free booze and I have given countless vouchers to the pensioners who don't have computers or printers. The £11 or so they save each day now means that most of them can afford proper food, as opposed to living off out-of-date smoked haddock and cat food.

Hell, some of them may even be able to take their cardigans to the launderette now and although I may miss the musty smell and the unique stain patterns, the look on their wrinkly faces when they come in all spruced up will be worth it.

For this public service, Young's, we salute you.

"Underlying Health Problems"

2009-07-14T13:27:00.004+01:00

The vast majority of those that have died from swine flu have all, allegedly, had "underlying health problems".

That's probably true.

But why on earth haven't they told us what these problems were? How are we meant to try and judge how dangerous this virus is, unless we know how ill you have to be in the first place for it to be a real worry. If they had rabies, lung cancer, double pneumonia, malaria, ebola or something like that then I would think "fine, they were probably going pop their cork anyway".

But what if they only had a bit of mild asthma? Or athletes foot? Or hay-fever? I would certainly start being a bit more concerned if that were the case.

So why the secrecy? Or is it a conscious decision to keep the full facts at bay as long as possible to avoid potential panic?

They are very quick to ram fuck-witted advice like "Catch it, bin it, kill" down our throats and send Janet and John leaflets to all and sundry, but this is typical of this administration - being seen to be doing something whilst all the time they simply don't have a clue about the real issues. Just look at the economy, for example.

I have no doubt that someone in my immediate family will contract the virus - it would just be nice to know whether I am more likely to buy them a box of tissues and some Lockets, or a wooden casket.

'Snot too much to ask, is it?

Oh - I forgot, it's this government I'm talking about; truth, honesty and decency are alien concepts to the stinking pile of squalid, rancid cuntwafts.

Scotland

2009-06-30T16:37:00.002+01:00

Five days up near the Firth of Forth or Fifth of Forth or whatever it's called.

Natives most pleasant even if there is a high incidence of some form of physical and/or mental palsy. Is there a chemical works near here? Has there been some sort of ongoing leakage?

Splendid breakfasts and food generally, booze a lot cheaper than Surrey and the the vast majority the mongnatives have great senses of humour and sharp minds.

How, then, can this be the country responsible for unleashing the likes of Bruin and Darling - to name but two - into Westminster to utterly fist-fuck the entire economy?

I shall ponder that whilst I tuck into some Haggis Patties rolled in Pinhead Oatmeal.

Final resting place

2009-06-26T14:23:00.002+01:00

The sad demise of a great talent.

2009-06-26T12:06:00.004+01:00

R.I.P.

She was into majors, not minors

Your Country Needs You

2009-06-10T11:51:00.004+01:00

Some dodgy research suggests that treating smoking related illnesses could cost up £5 billion p.a.

A previous BBC article has a different take on it :-

"It said ordinary people were better equipped to consider the arguments than the government, "perhaps because the UK public does not have to consider directly the £9.3bn per year raised in tax revenue on tobacco".

In comparison, the £1.5bn cost to the NHS of smoking-related diseases was "paltry", the Lancet argued"

Leaving aside the very questionable statistics, one thing is entirely clear; smoking generates shed loads of money for the exchequer and at the moment they need every penny they can get. The reports also state that about 20% of adults smoke, so here's an idea;

Get that percentage up to 50% for the next five years, the revenue gained can be used to shore up the black hole the NHS currently faces and then, after the five years, those that choose to can give up.

Smoking is currently the most socially responsible thing you can do.

So roll up your sleeves, roll-up your Golden Virginia and Old Holborn, puff on your Pall Mall and smoke the economy better.

Simples

The Long Good Friday.

2009-06-05T20:50:00.003+01:00

Where to begin?

Well, for starters, the missus started a new job today so I arose very early to get her a cup of coffee and run her bath - this allowed the required two hours to choose the outfit for the day. At 8.15, she sauntered out of the door with a cheery wave and instructions regarding ironing and hoovering. I was pleased as punch.

Prior to getting up this morning, I had seen the news about Purnell sticking the boot into the snotgobbler at his exit, thus I knew the news channels would be buzzing.

After a full hoovering of the entire house and a token attempt at ironing (surely the most boring thing ever) I slumped down to trawl through the interweb, whilst BBC News 24 played in the background.

OH making no.10 (how ironic!) in the politics blog listings cheered me up - good work fella - and the sychophantic mewlings of Toenails Robinson only served to prove what I have been saying to the missus for the last six months; this blogging stuff really has impact.

The public appetite for politics has risen by about 1000% recently, for that we have the likes of Guido, as well as OH, Obo, Leg Iron, Mrs Dale and allsorts to thank as newspapers read blogs and they know they need to gauge opinion.

Lunch came and went and still no news from the missus - a mild panic began to set in, luckily it was quashed within three minutes when the landline rang; she couldn't get reception on her mobile hence the utter silence. So, now the missus can't easily get hold of me when she's at work...hmm...

After the solid lunch, I decided a few pints - whilst watching the Epsom races - would be in order; after all, the missus wasn't going to be back much before 6pm.

Five pints of Young's and "Ask" comes in at 5-1, pocketing me forty quid overall and I toddle off home to put the dinner on. On the way, my faith in human nature is restored to an extent. To elucidate, there is an old fella who whizzes about on one of those electric buggy thingies and obviously he needs dropped kerbs to get across some roads. As I was walking home, he was coming the other way and suddenly, from my right, White Van Man slammed to a halt blocking the dropped kerb my side. I could see the old whizzer stop the othe side, looking forlornly at White Van Man.

Now the odd bit. WVM had stopped to actually take a mobile phone call - no continue driving with a Ginsters in your gob for this fella - he actually stopped. A rarity. I was walking up at this point, with my jaw agape and then my mind returned to the old whizzer, so I shouted at WVM "Oi - he needs a dropped kerb to get his buggy back up on the pavement!"

A couple of seconds of confusion clouded his ruddied cheeks and then - instead of the expected "fuck off you cunt!" he said "Oh sorry, I'll back up". And he did. With no malice and a broad grin. The old whizzer scooted past me and said "Thanks and cheerio".

Arrived home, dinner sorted, missus returned and ate heartily, telling me about her first day in the new job. So far, so good.

Then I turn the TV on and oh my word. The day just gets better and better. That cunt Flint has gone. Hutton's quit. Hoon has quit. Beckett has quit. Gibson has resigned forcing a bye-election.
And, as an act of pure comedy, Amstrad has been appointed in some fuckwitteried role. GORDON - understand this, phoning Britain's Got Talent or appointing a beardy weirdie from the Apprentice WILL NOT make people vote for you. Is it true that Susan Boyle phoned no.10 to enquire about your well-being? You're a prick. Now, do us all a favour and get an Air France flight somewhere.

Back to The Long Good Friday - Helen Mirren had great tits.

A day in the Sun

2009-05-23T20:43:00.002+01:00

We had a fun time and a few beers.

Badgerbeer and tourist entertainment.

This could be a long, hot summer. I can't wait.

Another tale from the pub

2009-05-19T20:43:00.002+01:00

I am starting to take a liking to some of the "young'uns" in the boozer.

Today we had Stuart, the manic Heating Technician (read glorified plumber) whose demeanour has always led me to believe that he is either on speed, or just generally hyper.

He didn't go to a great school in the area, but his father taught him that he needed to up his game if he wanted a better life. So after leaving this school with a smattering of poor GCSEs (whatever they are) he did a five year course on becoming a heating engineer. He passed and now works for a a fairly well known company - at he age of 28ish, he is earning about £40k. Pretty good money and he has earned the right for it. Good lad.

He has guaranteed work until 2012 - and that is because his company has secured a deal to refurbish heating systems for London Councils. Safe money, but flat rate and no perks.

The tales he has told me today of the scum he has to deal with makes me shudder - and explains his nervous disposition.

All council houses. All expecting a full new system that would cost you or I about £5,500. And they expect it. And then they want him to paint the boxing-in to match their bathrooms. And call him a cunt when he won't. He attends properties that are inhabited by drug dealers, part-time prostitutes, people who shout at him for turning up at 9am (the agreed time) saying they were still in bed, places with doors kicked-in because the "ex" came round last night as is probably going to come back today and finish her off, coke-snorters with kids running around, crack-pipes hidden behind radiators, knives sellotaped to the back of front door.

And they all expect this work.

He now makes the point - "What the fuck is my tax being spent on? - these people are utter scum who don't deserve these freebies. "

For once, I find myself agreeing with a 28 year-old.

Caption Contest

2009-05-19T10:51:00.002+01:00

Industrious worker in Downing Street shocker

One down...

2009-05-14T10:40:00.001+01:00

This little piggy went home

Well, it's a start.

Swine Flu

2009-05-13T19:39:00.004+01:00

I'm getting a bit fed up with the radio announcements stating that the pig flu virus can survive for hours on the buttons in lifts.

Here's an idea - use the fucking stairs. Most people could do with the exercise in the first place, it's a win-win; less viral transmission and the lard-arses will lose weight to boot.

Amen.

Pterodactyls, Sat-Navs and Weever fish

2009-05-12T20:53:00.002+01:00

Being unemployed, after hours of trawling the internet for jobs, I tend to partake of a few in a certain Young's pub. Normally, there are two people there other than me. One is retired and a keen horse-racing gambler, thus he watches C4 or ATR. We exchange pleasantries. The other is a friend of his, who takes a liquid lunch. It's all very civil and generally quiet.

Some days, though, the "boys" get in early - they may be plumbers, sparks, roofers - whatever. Today, Ian the plumber came in and he is good value. After the usual hellos, he started to talk about the Herons on the park nearby. I nodded quietly whilst trying to think of the tricky resolution to 7 down in my crossword when he uttered "They sound just like Pterodactyls". I left a decent pause and asked "Have you heard a Pterodactyl then?"

"Yes. On a David Attenborough program". I fell off the bar stool.

I know Dave's knocking on, but fer fucksake...when I picked myself up off the floor, he gurned at me and then launched into the giant Jellyfish, shown in some papers today. He relayed a story of when he was younger and living in Cornwall, he scooped up a jellyfish in his swimming mask, then released it then put the mask back on. Then couldn't see when his eyes suddenly turned into pools of acid. He now is somewhat more wary of the sea. I mentioned the Weever fish to him and he simply went white and left. I don't think his kids will be paddling in Eastbourne any time soon.

Then Neil the grumpy Surveyor came in. Always a good laugh and merely bronze-medal grumpy. In a strop because his trip to Hounslow took so long - he's not used to travelling that far into London. I enquired which route he took - at which point he brought out his 1982 A-Z and started flicking through lightly thumbed pages. I suggested he bought a Sat-Nav - he does, after all drive a Volvo. The tirade that ensued was epic. Suffice to say, he doesn't trust them or this "new technology" - which was quite odd as he was tapping away on his BlackBerry to find out his appointments for tomorrow. I told him he could use the maps function on his Blackberry, rather than buy a Sat-Nav.

"Fuck right off, cuntbubble" was his reply.

It is heartening that such people are still out there. And I wouldn't swap them for anything.

Report the cunt

2009-05-07T20:33:00.004+01:00

For fuck's sake, I've been unemployed since August and I couldn't claim this, despite being a more productive part of society - even unemployed...

Jacqui idiot sponging cunt

There's more....(edited about 10.45, after a bottle of red)

Gordon Brown claimed back £6,000 after paying his brother for cleaning at his Westminster flat, it has been reported.

Jack Straw used his expenses to claim back the entire council tax on his second home despite already having a 50% discount on it.

Ms Blears claimed for expenditure on three different properties during the period including a hotel where she stayed after selling a Manchester home.

2009-05-02T00:32:00.002+01:00

Anna Raccoon with yet another fabulous post.

http://www.annaraccoon.com/madeleine-mccann/paedophiles-and-pedants-1873.html

and a video worth watching, too

http://www.annaraccoon.com/madeleine-mccann/the-documentary-they-didnt-want-you-to-see-1855.html

Musical interlude

2009-04-27T23:14:00.003+01:00

OTMAPP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2BNJKa_TU4

I am her Lux. She is my Ivy.

One Gun. One Bullet.

2009-04-23T20:06:00.002+01:00

That is all I need at the moment.

Send Gordon your Shirt

2009-04-23T13:42:00.002+01:00

Cracking idea from OH.

Shirt for a shit.

O-Bummer's speech.

2009-04-20T20:50:00.000+01:00

Hmm...not sure if anybody just saw that on BBC News 24, but after the weak jokes and hat-tip towarrds the CIA (being more important now than they ever have been), he finished by saying how much more important they will become...

The transatlantic network of snooping further is coming to your doorstep soon...sleep tight...

Darling, darling...

2009-04-19T20:38:00.000+01:00

I would not envy your position.

Your boss has presided over the biggest fiscal fuck-up for an awfully long time. You will be the scape-goat. Whatever pathetic measures you introduce will simply hurt those that so far have contributed to this problem. You are biting the hands that have fed you. It is obvious that the Tories will win the next election, but they really are getting served a pile of poo. They have not the wit to drag us out, the shit is too deep.

You will doubtless fall into a pit of in obscurity on a fat pension and a brush-over of events. I hope you choke on your eyebrows - some of us may be paying for your extended retirement.

Your speech at the Budget should begin with :-

"I am sorry to report to the House, that my time here has been pointless and that we have saddled tax payers with a decade of debt. It should be pointed out that my boss set the ball rolling years ago, but his position is seemingly now unassailable and thus the sword falls on me. Like McBride, I will now bow out after being "sacked " for Gorgon's catastrophic miscalculations for everything from the economy to public opinion. Gold was a great price at the time, eh?

So, we'll bung some on National Insurance, up VAT a bit and sit back and laugh as the new administration tries a spending cuts plan to make up the defecit. 'Cos that ain't gonna work either! I can laugh at them from my retirement home! I've been fucked here and I'm going to make sure my pockets are lined on my way out.

I'll raise a glass of dodgy porridge-wog whiskey to celebrate".

Lesson = don't trust Scotshmen.

Give Scotland back to the North Sea, where it belongs. Bunch of cunts, like Jacqui Smith.

Education

2009-04-17T22:55:00.001+01:00

Now let's get this right from the start.

Grammar schools work. The 11+ works. Some people are born academic, some aren't. There you go, shit happens. I could never run 100 yards in under 12 seconds but I don't bitch about that fact. In return, I could do Maths, English, Geography, Physics (although I don't know why) Economics, German, French and Chemistry (again, don't know why).

Many of my school chums left at 16. With only a few "O" Levels (read "A"-Level these days). Oh the shame on them.

These were the ones who were "not good enough" to continue to A-Levels. Most of them now own their own houses and businesses in Surrey.

The academic side of this is not the point; these people learnt that discipline, an energy to learn
and to prove themselves overcame the rigours of such education. They learnt an important lesson, even if it wasn't in double maths on a Friday afternoon.

Corporal punishment was still "legal" in those days - I received twelve of the best for importing 600 bangers after a day trip to Calais (it should be noted that I didn't set any off in the school grounds, but I was grassed up and thus assumed guilty) and I still believe - to this day - that the abolition of corporal punishment, diluted forms of parental control and the ease at which schools can exclude pupils is a major factor in the downfall of modern society.

Look at the animal world - if a lion cub gets lairy, a big lion gives it a smack round the chops. It's worked for years, no doubt that cunt Jacqui Smith will want to ban that too, but like a lioness she will accept that the alpha male will eventually get bored with her and find new ground when all his pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

This has already happened in education. Those that know are now being battered into submission by those that think they know better. They don't. They have a degree in Fuckwittery and tree-hugging. Fuck right off. All of you.

Bring back the cane, lines, evil prefects (I was one) and the desire for children to achieve something, rather than the desire to live off something. But of course, this administration really wants to nurture such poll fodder. Cunts.

Alcohol

2009-04-17T21:15:00.000+01:00

Is apparently a depressant. And full of calories.

Odd that, I've had about 10 pints of Young's ordinary and I feel neither fat nor depressed. Allegedly, 10 pints is about 1900 calories and that is nearly half my daily recommended calorie intake. Why therefore am I happy and thin(ish)?

Upon leaving the pub this evening, there were several people who had imbibed their choice of beers and none of those seemed depressed. Only one could be considered fat - and even then, at a push - he's a brick shithouse who may be carrying a few extra pounds.

I have no doubt that the majority of the regulars tonight will leave after a good session; they will be happier and probably not fatter than when they first entered.

And they are all old enough to go home without trying to fight anything - they are builders, mechanics, plasterers, plumbers, roofers, pavers, heating engineers, electricians - and they all work their bollox off to be able to pay £3.53 for a pint of Carling.

Hard work has not yet vanished from this country. They are good people, working hard and contributing in the private sector. It's just a shame that their hard work is not reflected in the public sector.

And each and every one of them is not a cunt, like Jacqui Smith.

Jacqui Smith

2009-04-17T20:31:00.001+01:00

...is a cunt.

Never in the field of politics has such a burden been placed on someone so incapable of fulfilling the role. This country is going downt the shitter faster than the chicken vindaloo I had for lunch. The sad part is the vindaloo was wholesome, pure and welcomed.

The same cannot be said for Jacqui.

The nice part of me would like to think that she was thrust into this position purely because she is a woman and, at certain angles, not too unpleasing on the eye.

The nasty - and probably correct part of me - thinks that she is a vicious piece of work who will stamp on anybody, to get her way. She has not the intellect to do so, she should be ironing shirts, taking kids to the playground and possibly even giving the husband a nosh. It would certainly save some taxpayers money.

There comes a point in time when even the most deluded realise that the game is up. You've been found out. Accept it and bow out gently. No-one will mourn your passing.

If you had one ounce of decency within you, you would go and apologise on your way out. But I doubt you will. See also Damien McBride and Dolly.

Take a big step back and see the absolute fuck-up you are making of this country. I hope you all rot.

Frenzy

2009-04-16T20:16:00.000+01:00

It's going quite well recently, not just because of http://www.order-order.com/ But it certainly helps.

No longer do I have to tell people of what can be achieved - the evidence is there in the papers recently. Otherwise sedentary people are starting to sit up and take note. This can only help. I want decency to descend back in the country I grew up. Is that too much to ask?

I want my children not to be saddled with debts caused by this failed government. Is that too much to ask? They were not involved in their colossal fuck-ups, why should they be made to pay? For the last few years, I have realised that the worst thing you can do is to be a PAYE slave, feeding this ever hungry machine that is slowly sapping the will to live from those that contribute.

There is much to be said for http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/2009/04/time-for-detox.html. Starving these fat piggies may well be the answer. I think the next 12 months will reveal far more.

Things must change - for the sake of you, this country and your children.

Good day

2009-04-11T23:12:00.000+01:00

Bye, bye. More to come. H/T to OH

http://www.elmundo.es/elmundo/2009/04/11/internacional/1239471398.html

http://lta.reuters.com/article/topNews/idLTASIE53A0EK20090411http://www.antena3noticias.com/PortalA3N/noticia/internacional/Dimite-asesor-Brown-por-una-campana-difamaciones-contra-oposicion/5578744

http://aeiou.expresso.pt/reino-unido-conselheiro-de-gordon-brown-demite-se-apos-escandalo-sobre-e-mails=f508315

http://www.estadao.com.br/noticias/internacional,conselheiro-de-brown-renuncia-apos-escandalo-de-e-mails,353291,0.htm

http://www.agi.it/estero/notizie/200904111922-est-rt11121-gb_mail_diffamatorie_da_staff_gordon_brown_bufera_su_governo

http://unionesarda.ilsole24ore.com/Articoli/News/115798

http://www.ilsole24ore.com/art/SoleOnLine4/Mondo/2009/04/brown-McBride.shtml?uuid=9055de86-2686-11de-80d8-4c17f3fd37a9&DocRulesView=Libero

The great RBS giveaway

2008-12-02T13:18:00.000Z

The taxpayer owned bank, RBS, has stated it will not repossess a property where people are as far as six months in arrears.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7757840.stm

I'm not convinced this is a great idea. I spent a long time working for a mortgage company and one of the first things I learnt was that customers will jump on any given bandwagon that appears to offer a way out of their plight. In 1992, it was dodgy companies charging thousands of pounds saying they could arrange for the lender to claim the difference between the debt due and the outstanding balance through the Mortgage Insurance Guarantee (MIG) policy many lenders insisted on for higher loan-to-value (LTV) properties. This led to a flood of customers sending their keys back with a standard letter advising the lender they should claim for any sums due through their MIG policies. These customers had a rude awakening as not only had they paid sometimes thousands in fees to these dodgy companies (who were fairly quickly outlawed), but the policy cover did not extend to this and the customers ended up being pursued for the debt anyway. Bankruptcy was rife.

RBS have now given the green light to customers basically electing to take a six month holiday should they wish. Whilst there will undoubtedly be cases where this is helpful, there will be a greater proportion where customers simply take the piss. RBS will then find themselves with a big book of delinquent loans and repossession will have to happen - at a time when the debt has grown and, in the current housing climate, property prices will have dropped further, pushing LTVs well above 100%. Customers will then find themselves homeless and still being chased for a debt. Bankruptcy will become rife again. And let's not forget, this is tax payers money RBS are playing with in a most profligate way.

HBOS may have to follow suit as they also took tax-payers money.

Arrears recovery procedures have come a long way since 1992 (we used to send customers Christmas cards basically saying forget buying presents, make sure your mortgage is paid) and are a lot fairer now but the simple fact is that many people (potentially me included) will find themselves - possibly through no fault of their own - unable to pay. In these cases an earlier repossession is the lesser of two evils, especially for the customer. You would simply not believe the number of houses we repossessed where there was a brand new car in the driveway and all the latest electrical gadgetry in the house - far too many people with mortgages have a skewed sense of where their primary fiscal obligations lie.

It is incumbent on lenders as a whole to find a better solution than repossession - "rent-back" schemes, partnerships with Housing Associations etc. must surely be better in the long run, but both the lenders and Government are dragging their heels over the introduction over them. I'll have a bet that the more sensible lenders out there (such as Nationwide) will not make such a guarantee; after all, they had no need for the government bail-out and they should not feel obliged to alter their business model, which has proved to be robust.

P.S. I see RBS are also planning to give back overdraft fees if it loses the current test case.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7759054.stm

It seems most odd that now they have been given £billions of our money, they are in an awful hurry to give it all back, before they know it they will be back at square one - begging for more money to stay afloat.

Dreaming

2008-11-29T17:01:00.000Z

After a good few beers last night, I retired to bed and woke up this morning fairly fresh.

The usual routine of getting the papers and then having breakfast ensued. Thumbing through these papers convinced me that I must still be asleep as I was seemingly reading the fiction of my worst nightmares:-

1. The fuller story of how a politician spent six hours in police custody for doing no more than his job (like him or loathe him).

2. Another scandal where it appears Social Workers had ample opportunity to do something, but didn't - whether or not they followed the obviously flawed procedures is not the point, common sense and decency should have prevailed.

3. Big back garden = Pikey Park. No comment required, I'll sell up and buy a flat.

4. "I'm a waste of space, pay me money to sit in a fuckin' campsite in Australia and call it entertainment" covering far too many column inches.

5. "Crime predictive CCTV cameras". They will decide I am about to commit a crime because I am walking slowly...hmm...that's concrete evidence obviously. Forget the fact that I have may have buggered my leg up trying to kick start a belligerent old Triumph T110...

So where, exactly, is this country going?

Well, from my perspecitive, it seems to be going down the shitter quicker than big houses with big gardens in Essex. How much longer will the majority of decent, hard-working people put up with this constant attrition of all the values, civil liberties and the quality of life we have worked so hard for? Why should the feckless wastrels be cut a piece of the pie I paid for? Why should we allow the Mother of All Parliaments to be implicit in tactics that are reminiscent of Soviet Russia?
Why should we read about an English Josef Fritzl when so much money is spent (wasted) in Social Services?

And why can I not hobble up the road to my local pub with being branded a potential criminal?

I shall have more beers tonight and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, the nightmare will have gone and that it was all a bad dream.

But I very much doubt it.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7r8QPTavweI

Starting to lose it.

2008-11-12T19:32:00.000Z

So...after a lovely walk (and a few beers) round Parliament least week, I found myself in a post euphoria fugue and the news today snaps me out of it like an acid bath.

I am talking about "Baby P".

Sixty visits by "so-called" experts and this defenceless child dies in pain that I cannot imagine. And yet at Parliament, Cameron asks a half decent question and is given a series of the usual "executive summary" has been issued, "lessons will be learnt", "weaknesses have been identified" by the PM. I don't have any time for Cameron or the PM, but as usual no questions are directly answered and the whole lot will eventually be forgotten about until the next one dies. The layer upon layer of red-tape, delegated accountability and self nest-feathering will always result in this.

And another defenceless child will die. And then another. And then another.

It all boils down to the simple fact that most Social Workers are simply incompetents who are quite happy to take the inflated salary, comfy hours and gold-plated pension, without actually helping anyone. There is always someone else to blame. I have had occasion to meet some of these people and I wouldn't employ most of them to polish my shoes. But once they have their feet under the table of public service, they turn into the green-eyed self-serving spineless loafers that are blighting this country. At least the unemployed don't do anything badly since they do nothing at all - this lot get paid a fortune to do everything badly.

The continued incompetence at all levels of government - be it social services, the economy, education, the health service, law and order, transport, the mere fact that they could actually put people like Blears, Balls and Harperson in positions of power, is testament to troughing nature of pretty much all politicians.

They care only of themselves, never you. Remember that. It might keep you ahead of the game, at least for a while.

In the meantime, I am asking my biochemist friend to invent a sort of Myximotosis for Social Workers. It is only right.

Oh dear.

2008-10-07T21:39:00.000+01:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1071643/Student-drank-death-downing-half-litre-vodka-just-20-minutes.html

Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.

This is not proper news, people have been dying from over-drinking for centuries. I came close myself, as did my mate, circa 1994

It happens. Ten years later I nearly died when the motorcycle I was doing about 165 mph on, bounced off a Citroen BX16 that joined the Autoroute at a severe rate of knots, half sideways and obviously piloted by a pissed native. To hit the motorway and go across three lanes takes some doing. We both survived. But if I hadn't, it wouldn't have made the papers.

Proper journalism must now concentrate on the absolute carnage - financially and socially - that surrounds us.

Or is this a part of the overall dumbing-down?

Technology. It's great.

2008-10-07T20:43:00.000+01:00

There was a thing in the paper today stating how they can now use "key chips" to stop half-witted American teenagers crashing their cars. Personally, I couldn't give a fuck if they all burned in petroleum fuelled pyres. We ain't talking about losing a cure to cancer here.

However, this "new" invention has worrying undertones. And I'm not talking about a shite paddy band with a Fenian lead singer...

Parents can now control the speed of the car that their fat spawn drive as well as controlling the volume of the stereo and alert if seat belts aren't worn. Not a bad idea, if saving offal is a priority.

But let us think about where this could go...once the chip is advanced enough...

A chip WILL be inserted into you at birth. You will not know it, but for the rest of your life, you will be a moronic hanger-on to whatever government will be in power. Your life will be dictated by them and you will know no better than to agree.

Life everyday for you will be a bed of roses as you will know not what roses are, nor have the ability to miss the real ones. You will be no better than a Veal Calf and - in the same way - only really enlightened when the knife cuts your throat and your miserable life drains away from you.

All governments will, shortly, use technology against the people they are supposed to look after, to purely ensure their end game is achieved. They have absolutely NO interest in the well-being of most of their electorate. Troughing is all.

Fight the machine.

Fuck them at every stage - argue everything, demand figures under the FOI act, get them to explain every penny of the fucking vast fortunes I - and you - have paid for shite services, Lazy Welsh inbreeds claiming everything, health care for heroin-addled Glasgwegian pissants that have stabbed their mothers and vagrant fathers. Get them to explain how nearly £2,000 per year means I get my bin emptied once a week? And about fuck all else - where does the rest go?

Layers and layers of red-tape is where it goes. Mindless morons on gold-plated pensions, too thick to help, but too greedy to change - it is we, the fully-witted that have unintentionally created this. Probably in the sake of diversity or some shite. Bollox. Morons should be licking car windows clean, not running public services. Or Governments. Fight. For the sake of my country.

The value of a "local" pub.

2008-10-02T21:19:00.001+01:00

The "broken society" is well documented. We have probably seen it all with our own eyes, to varying degrees.

There are probably many factors attributing to it - not least is the "money for nothing" world we live in. That is a separate issue on this occasion and for the purposes of this.

Put this to one side and I believe that a fair percentage of the problems we now face are due to the death of the local pub. These are rare nowadays - you are more likely to have to engage in a noisy, chrome decked affair where the sole purpose is to take as much money off you as is possible and then leave the local constabulary to pick up the pieces.

I am fortunate to have local pub in what, I class, is the good old meaning of it. During the evenings, it is mainly occupied by males who have just finished a day's work - they will be tired and occasionally irritable, but overall their mood will be pleasant and I know for a fact that I can arrange any amount of building works, gardening, car mechanics, IT help, financial advice and more all for the price of buying them a quick pint. We drink here despite it being the most expensive pub in the area.This arrangement is reciprocal to all. If you want cheap, go to O'Neills or Wankerspoons.

The "significant others" are always welcomed, as are any children (outside only, of course...).

Many long-term relationships have been formed and the overall sense of community crackles in the air. Everyone has a vested interest in looking out for everyone else. And it works.

Compare this to a few miles up the road - a bigger town, but utterly devoid of such manners and respect for one another. Respect has to be earned, but in that town, respect is neither sought nor offered. SM1 is Surrey's Wild West and if you were to enter an establishment there, you'd best have your wits about you. The simple reason is the pubs - cash cows, only out for a quick buck before the franchise is sold to the next idiotic theme nightmare and the cycle continues. All this does is encourage a herd of booze fuelled fuckwits looking for cheap thrills, loose knickers and a fight.

Society is built on mutual assistance and trust. This happens in a good local, but not in trendy bars where the primary focus is on looking good and seeing how many beers you can shove down your neck before closing time.

The banning of smoking has obviously not helped one iota, as an awful lot of the locals are older men - men with great stories and a lifetime of hard graft - who were used to smoking as and when they see fit; - and most have more decency and sense of community than the combined lager fuelled offal further up the road.

Local pubs should be encouraged. Poncey pubs should be napalmed along with the scumfucks that drink in them.

Give me back my proper pubs. Give me back the society I was brought up in. And give me back the England I still misguidedly cherish.

My first rant, circa 1992.

2008-10-02T10:25:00.000+01:00

Law and order 1992

A policeman is shot dead in Clapham, the Anti-Nazi league tear parts of East London to shreds and a wealthy woman is rammed off the road and robbed of all her jewellery. There does not appear to be much law and order about.

I have a solution. Some may think these measures extreme, however, it is the only way to rid the world of murderers, rapists, bank robbers and life assurance salesmen: At the age of 17 every human being is to be given an IQ test. Anyone who achieves a score of less than 95 will either be vasectomised or sterilised, depending on their dangly bits. A generation or two will pass before the benefits become apparent, but just imagine if this had been done 50 years ago:-

1. The arse wipe who snapped the side mirror off my car would be no more than a wank stain on his father's sheets.
2. Lloyd Grossman would not invade my living room on an all too frequent bases.
3. The Suzuki GSX550EF would never have gone into production. Becuase it's slow. And girls ride it.
4. Referring to 1 above, cretinous halfwits who do not have the intelligence to earn their own living and see fit to take the fruits of normal peoples endeavours, would be eradicated. Car and building contents insurance would fall to more reasonable levels. And my brother would get paid so much.
5. I wouldn't have to listen to my colleagues inane ramblings.
6. Deferred Interest mortgages would never have been invented.

"There must be down sides, mustn't there?" I hear you shout, "...who'll sweep the roads or work for London Underground if there are no stupid people about?"This popular belief is, to be honest, bollox. There are already too many people in Britain to ever make full employment possible again and I certainly wouldn't mind working for London Underground if the calibre of the passengers improved to my level.

But, I must concede, there will be disadvantages:

1. I wouldn't keep winning lots of money on Trivia Quiz machines.
2. Arsenal Football Club would go bust.
3. Most of Wales would be incapable of propogation (is this a disadvantage?)
4. As would most of our Accounts Department.

Get your knitting needles and scissors out, we have work to do...